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!quote: "People quote like everything I say." -Minion 2015
!quote1: "omg the deku nuts they are coming for me!" -minion february 2015
!quote2: "i'm cooking a new gold split" -minion 2015
!quote3: "i figured out the secret to gold split ! I just gotta go ham ." -minion 2015
!quote4: "what happend to all my bombs !? whaaaatttt where did all my bombs go ???"-minion february 2015
!quote5: "the last thing you have to do as a child, is plant the seed"
!quote6: "Sometimes you get a nice big juicy one" MinionProcyk 2015
!quote7: "We want our nice, white, fluffy Richard" --Minion 2015
!quote8: "I didn't know I was playing zubat%" MinionProcyk 2015
!quote9: "Is that a goron face? No, it's a cookie."-Minion 2015
!quote10:"Oh, I just ripped my pants."
!quote11:"that would be convenient to just crunch navi in there"
!quote12:"bsdlfkjsdlfh... ugh, words- THE WORDS!!!!" - MinionProcyk
!quote13:"Everything you see, it should be me, me, me, me me. That's my goal." - MinionProcyk
!quote14:"Spaceballs - made by Mel Gibson." - MinionProcyk
!quote15:"The game is being mean to me. Mean game is mean." - MinionProcyk
!quote16:"This hurts my hands" - MinionProcyk
!quote17:i feel better i go bunny ear now
Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all
day.
A fly by night leaves no shadow beyond a doubt.
I'll smoke when the pope's wife takes the pill.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. --Herb Caen
How much does it cost to ride an IO bus?
2 Bits.
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you
should have in mind.
"That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling
in itself." -- Tom Gates
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat
everything as if it were a nail.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
"We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a
very grave danger they will be misinterpreted."
-- H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.
Person who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
Person who arrives at party two hours late will probably find he has
been beaten to the punch.
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up
feeling dopey.
President Ford has noted that there are too many economic pundits
and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
There is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at
an electric fan.
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
Lady A: Mr. C, you are quite drunk.
Mr. C.: And you are very ugly, but indisputably in the morning I will be
quite sober.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one
part of his body - the wishbone.
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another
woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and
won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
Sex is nature's way of saying Hi!'.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.)
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
Post proelium, praemium. (After the battle, the reward.)
Facta, non verba.
Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.)
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Vigilia pretium libertatis. (Eternal vigilance is the price of
liberty.)
Populus vult decipi. (The people like to be deceived.)
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
for their destitution of conscience.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've
got to be good.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldln't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but
not well enough to lend to.
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
the enemy.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
The plural of spouse is spice.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods
while the policeman searches you.
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change
her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean
conversation."
Samuel Johnson
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
What kind of sound does a sub-atomic duck make?
Quark!!
How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a program?
Ten. Nine to hold it down, and one to cut its head off.
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
The rising people, hot and out of breath,
Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!"
"If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm
sure, no reason to complain."
Frosh: "Lemme have a 10-mfd. capacitor."
Salesman: "Will you pay for it now?"
Frosh: "Naw, charge it."
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself
on a bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City. His reverie was disturbed
when another man approached and asked, "Can I join you?"
"What's the matter, maybe I'm, coming apart??"
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
HE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
ONTOGENY RECAPITULATES PHILOGENY -- OR, IS THAT
ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES PHILOLOGY...???
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
To be is to do.
I. Kant
To do is to be.
J. P. Sartre
Do be do be do.
F. Sinatra
X
E DU DX takes the place of normal sex!
U
E DU DX takes the place of normal sex!
I do desire we may be better strangers.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
An asylum for the sane would be empty.
Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100
miles away when it happened.
The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
May you live all the days of your life.
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say
enough on that subject.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
His money is twice tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
Little nips of whiskey, little drops of gin,
Make a lady wonder where on earth she's bin.
Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheaper.
Now I lay me back to sleep,
The speaker's dull, the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake,
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
Los Angeles: Seventeen suburbs in search of a city.
How can I take an interest in my work when I don't like it?
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
Speaking of poison, I'll see that you get some fresh breakfast immediately.
Jay: Did you hear the one about the Polish athelete who was so proud
of his gold medal that he had it bronzed?
Banacek: No, how does it go?
PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
PARKINSON'S LAW, MODIFIED: The junk you have will expand to fill the
available space.
THE PETER PRINCIPLE: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to
his level of incompetence.
CHEOPS' LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
MURPHY'S LAW: If something can go wrong, it will.
WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it
himself.
FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it
makes it worse.
RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible.
CLARKE'S THIRD LAW: Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishible from magic.
GUMPERSON'S LAW: The outcome of a given desired probability will be inverse
to the degree of desirability.
(After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you had before.)
* (The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance
* he has of being assigned to something else.)
CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW: There are two sides to every argument unless a
man is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
ALBRECHT'S LAW: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum
tolerable well being.
PATRICKS'S THEOREM: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong
equipment.
SKINNER'S CONSTANT: (also Fynnegan's Finagling Factor) That quantity
which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from
the answer you got, gives the answer you should have gotton.
HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE: Experience varies directly with the
equipment ruined.
FLAOLE'S LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF INANIMATE OBJECTS: Any inanimate object,
regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected
to perform at any time - in a totally unexpected manner for reasons
that are either entirely obscure or also completely mysterious.
ALLEN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions.
THE SPARE PARTS PRINCIPLE: The accessability during recovery of small
parts which fall from the workbench, varies directly with the size of
the part, and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work
underway.
THE COMPENSATION COROLLARY: The experiment must be considered a success
if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded
to obtain a correspondence with theory.
THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE: Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment
must be ordered by no later than noon tomorrow.
THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the
unknown - you do not know what you will find.
THE FUTILITY FACTOR: No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always
serve as a bad example.
Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
He wanted to lay it on the line.
System stopping for 2 minutes, 1 minute ago.
YOUR SUBSYSTEM HAS DIED.....
Startrek makes your sterile
NEW FORTRAN H EXTENDED - GO TO STATEMENTS ARE NOW ILLEGAL.
SEE ASPNEWS FOR DETAILS.
Allison's Precept
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is
the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences
in that area.
Corollary to Anthony's Law
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always
strike your toes.
Army Axiom
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Axiom of the Pipe (Trischmann's Paradox)
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something
to stick in his mouth.
Baker's Law
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking
The integral of the gravitational potential taken around
any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the
pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion
to the amount of food you consume from it. If you
run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly
proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
Backpacking -
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly
proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant
as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the
number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws
1) That which has not yet been taught directly can never
be taught directly.
2) If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law
Government intervention in the free market always leads to a
lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law
The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system
always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and,
ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law
In a free market good money always drives bad money out of
circulation.
Becker's Law
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Beifeld's Principle
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already
in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Bicycle Law
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.
Blaauw's Law
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new
technology.
Booker's Law
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boren's Laws
1) When in doubt, mumble.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in charge, ponder.
Brien's First Law
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization,
its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brook's Law
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brown's Law of Business Success
Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bucy's Law
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs
1) The organization of any program reflects the organization
of the people who develop it.
2) There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist," only a
capitalist.
3) Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
4) Capitalism can exist in one of only two states --
welfare or warfare.
5) I'd rather go whoring than warring.
6) History proves nothing.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults
is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading
The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional
to the decline of the prototype.
Cahn's Axiom
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Camp's Law
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Canada Bill Jones' Motto
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones' Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cheop's Law
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chisholm's Law of Human Interaction
Anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked
something.
Chisholm's Third Law
Proposals, as understood by the proposer,
will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that nobody can
misunderstand, somebody will.
Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet
with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Corollary 3: Procedures devised to implement the purpose
won't quite work.
Churchill's Commentary on Man
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
I STOPPED HERE -------------------------
Clarke's First Law
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something
is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Clarke's Second Law
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go
beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke's Third Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -
evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the
three phrases:
1) "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
2) "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
3) "I said it was a good idea all along."
Cohen's Law
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the
facts -- not the facts themselves.
Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology
1) No action is without side-effects.
2) Nothing ever goes away.
3) There is no free lunch.
Cook's Law
Much work -- much food, little work -- little food,
no work -- burial at sea.
Cornuelle's Law
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration)
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Diogenes' First Dictum
The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power
he has to escape being taxed.
Diogenes' Second Dictum
If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
Dow's Law
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the
greater the confusion.
Dunne's Law
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
Ehrman's Corollary to Ginsberg's Theorem
1) Things will get worse before they get better.
2) Who said things would get better.
Ettorre's Observation
The other line moves faster.
Evan's Law of Politics
When team members are finally in a position to help the team,
it turns out they have quit the team.
Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics
Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if
someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be
reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort
will still result in an increase in the total confusion of
society at large.
Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle
In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be
defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and
resources ($).
Farber's First Law
Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
Farber's Second Law
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
Farber's Third Law
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
Farber's Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The Fifth Rule
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Finagle's First Law
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law
No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe
it happened to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollary 1: No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Corollary 2: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice
will see it immediately.
Finagle's Fourth Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Finagle's Rules
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all
fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
First Law of Bicycling
No matter which way you ride it's uphill and against the wind.
First Law of Bridge
It's always the partner's fault.
First Law of Canoeing (Alfred Andrews' Canoeing Postulate)
No matter which direction you start it's always against the
wind coming back.
First Law of Debate
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
First Law of Office Holders
Get re-elected.
Fitz-Gibbon's Law
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved
with the broth.
Flap's Law
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position or
configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a
totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely
obscure or else completely mysterious.
Fortis' Three Great Lies of Life
1) Money isn't everything.
2) It's great to be a Negro.
3) I'm only going to put it in a little way.
Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood's General Law of Dynamic Negatives
No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly
wanted to keep.
Franklin's Rule
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be
disappointed.
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability
1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the
computer you will find at least two human errors,
including the error of blaming it on the computer.
2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Ginsberg's Theorem
1) You can't win.
2) You can't break even.
3) You can't even quit the game.
Golden Rules of Indulgence
Everything in excess! To enjoy the full flavor of life, take
big bites. Moderation is for monks. Yield to temptation; it may
never pass your way again.
Gray's Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as n trivial tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.
Gresham's Law
Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never
solved.
Whenver possible blame the hardware.
Grosch's Law
Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you
want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times
as fast.
Gummidge'e Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to
its desirability.
Hacker's Law of Personnel
Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a
task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get
rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law
The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine;
it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Harper's Magazine's Law
You never find an article until you replace it.
Hartley's First Law
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hendrickson's Law
If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become
more important than the problem.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every large program is a small program struggling
to get out.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Howard's First Law of Theater
Use it.
Howe's Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hull's Theorem
The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their
separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
IBM Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
Imhoff's Law
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank
-- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.
Iron Law of Distribution
Them what has - gets.
Italian Proverb
She who is silent consents.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Governments
No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Jay's Laws of Leadership
1) Changing things is central to leadership,
and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.
2) To build something that endures, it is of the greatest
importance to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for
many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or
two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued
their building much longer.
Jenkinson's Law
It won't work.
John Cameron's Law
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered,
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
John's Axiom
When your opponent is down, kick him.
John's Collateral Corollary
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Johnson's Corollary to Heller's Law
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your
organization.
Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll
under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.
Johnson-Laird's Law
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Jones' Law
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought
of someone he can blame it on.
Jones' Motto
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Kamin's First Law
All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power
over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertable
into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of
any kind.
Kamin's Second Law
Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital
outflows.
Kamin's Third Law
Combined total taxation from all levels of government will
always increase (until the government is replaced by war or
revolution).
Kamin's Fourth Law
Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate;
central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is
non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.
Kamin's Fifth Law
Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly
than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both
directions play a losing game.)
Kamin's Sixth Law
When attempting to predict and forcast macro-economic moves or
economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he
says; instead watch what he does.
Kamin's Seventh Law
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
Katz's Law
Men and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Kerr-Martin Law
1) In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are the
most extreme conservatives.
2) In dealing with OTHER people's problems, they are the
world's most extreme liberals.
Kirkland's Law
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to
the attendance.
Kitman's Law
Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary
drivel.
Lani's Principles of Economics
1) Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
2) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200
years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it
will be worth nothing.
3) In God we trust, all others pay cash.
La Rochefoucauld's Law
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be
deceived by them.
Law of Communications
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area
of misunderstanding.
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law)
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary)
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
the bread to butter.
Law of Superiority
The first example of superior principle is always inferior
to the developed example of inferior principle.
Laws of Computerdom According to Golub
1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment
of estimating the corresponding costs.
2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to
complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take
only twice as long.
3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically
with time.
4) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Laws of Computer Programming
1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5) Any given program will expand to fill all available
memory.
6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight
of its output.
Laws of Gardening
1) Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
2) Fanzy gizmos don't work.
3) If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
4) You get the most of what you need the least.
Le Chatelier's Law
If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium,
the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to
undo the effect of the stress.
Les Miserables Metalaw
All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be
obeyed to the letter.
Long's Notes
1) Always store beer in a dark place.
Lord Falkland's Rule
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not
to make a decision.
Lowery's Law
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Malek's Law
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Malinowski's Law
Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in
the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and
irrelevance of magic.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Martin-Berthelot Principle
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item,
the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate
the greatest amount of hot air.
Match's Maxim
A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain:
everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
Matsch's Law
It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors
without end.
McClaughry's Codicil on Jone's Motto
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
McClaughry's Law of Zoning
Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly;
where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
McGoon's Law
The probability of winning is inversely proportional to
the amount of the wager.
McNaughton's Rule
Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be
capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that
is obviously true once stated.
H. L. Mencken's Law
Those who can -- do.
Those who cannot -- teach.
Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's extension)
Merrill's First Corollary
There are no winners in life; only survivors.
Merrill's Second Corollary
In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as
much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
Meskimen's Law
There's never time to do it right, but always time to
do it over.
Michehl's Theorem
Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem
Nothing is ultimate.
Miller's Law
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Mobil's Maxim
Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
Murphy's First Law
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law
Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law
In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go
wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to
go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way,
unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law
Mother nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because
fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
Newton's Little-known Seventh Law
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Nienberg's Law
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Ninety-ten Rule of Project Schedules
The first ninety percent of the task takes ten percent
of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
divisible by 5 or 10.
Oeser's Law
There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful
position in an organization to spend all his time serving
on committees and signing letters.
Ordering Principle
Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must
be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
Osborn's Law
Variables won't, constants aren't.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws
Murphy was an optimist.
Pardo's Postulates
1) Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
2) The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and
an old woman.
3) Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
Pareto's Law (The 20/80 Law)
20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover,
20% of components account for 80% of the cost, and
so forth.
Parker's Rule of Parlimentary Procedure
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
Parker's Law of Political Statements
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility and vice versa.
Parkinson's First Law
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion;
the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and
complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in
its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law
Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's Third Law
If there is a way to delay an important decision the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Law of Delay
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Pastore's Truths
1) Even paranoids have enemies.
2) This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
3) On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough.
Peckham's Law
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Peer's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Peter Principle
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each
employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post
tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its
duties.
Peter's Corollaries
1) Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2) Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
reached their level of incompetence.
3) If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Peter's Inversion
Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
Peter's Paradox
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence
in their colleagues.
Peter's Perfect People Palliative
Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps)
not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we
should remember their good qualities and realize that their
faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should
refrain from making harsh judgements of people just because
they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches.
Peter's Placebo
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Peter's Theorem
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Potter's Law
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
proportional to the subject's true value.
Productivity Equation
The productivity, P, of a group of people is:
P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) )
where N is the number of people in the group
and T is the number of hours in a work period.
Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryographic Systems
While bryographic plants are typically encountered in
substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state,
discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly
spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable
gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined
translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases
an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta.
We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Pudder's Law
Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Puritan's Law
Evil is live spelled backwards.
Puritan's Second Law
If it feels good, don't do it.
Q's Law
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea
(oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains
the same.
Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions
1) If you must make a decision, delay it.
2) If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
3) If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
4) If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.
Rayburn's Rule
If you want to get along, go along.
Riddle's Constant
There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which
separate expected results from achieved results.
Ross' Law
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
Rudin's Law
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Rule of Accuracy
When working toward the solution of a problem it always
helps if you know the answer.
Sam's Axiom
1) Any line, however short, is still too long.
2) Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water
that keeps it green.
Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Segal's Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is;
a man with two watches is never sure.
Sevareid's Law
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Shalit's Law
The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the
quality of the movie.
Shanahan's Law
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of
people present.
Shaw's Principle
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
Simmon's Law
The desire for racial integration increases with the square
of the distance from the actual event.
Simon's Law
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer
you should have gotten.
Snafu Equations
1) Given any problem containing n equations, there will be
n + 1 unknowns.
2) An object or bit of information most needed, will be
least available.
3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible.
4) Interchangable devices won't.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy
In every organized activity, no matter the sphere,
a small number will become the oligarchial leaders
and the others will follow.
Spare Parts Principle
The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall
from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the
part and inversely with its importance to the completion of
work underway.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy
Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
Sturgeon's Law
90 per cent of everything is crud.
Swipple Rule of Order
He who shouts loudest has the floor.
Terman's Law
There is no direct relationship between the quality of
an educational program and its cost.
Terman's Law of Innovation
If you want a track team to win the high jump
you find one person who can jump seven feet,
not seven people who can jump one foot.
Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will.
Thoreau's Law
If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent
of doing you good, run for your life.
Transcription Law
The number of errors made is equal to the number of 'squares'
employed.
Truman's Law
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Truths of Management
1) Think before you act; it's not your money.